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Life's Too Short for Girth Control

by Girth Control

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  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Girth Control's 25-song masterpiece on your choice of Golden Dorito or Very Classy Green colored vinyl, each limited to 100 copies.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Life's Too Short for Girth Control via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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      $25 USD or more 

     

  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    Get yourself a sweet deal on the new record and an exclusive "Laughin' and Rockin' Out" t-shirt, featuring artwork by Brendan Halayko (@brendanontheinternet) and hand-printed by Insidious Industries in scenic Buffalo, NY! Your choice of Golden Dorito or Very Classy Green colored vinyl and shirt color! Includes a digital download of the album. Please email us at girthcontrol69@gmail.com if you'd like to bundle your vinyl with a different shirt design or if you don't see your size listed.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Life's Too Short for Girth Control via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 2 days

      $40 USD or more 

     

  • Record/Vinyl + Digital Album

    For the collector! Get "Life's Too Short for Girth Control" on both Golden Dorito and Very Classy Green variants and save a few bucks. Frame a copy or give it to a friend. Melt it into a bowl or make a clock out of it. Sell it on Discogs for big buck$! Whatever you do, we appreciate your support and want you to be happy.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Life's Too Short for Girth Control via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
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1.
Life’s too short for Girth Control. There’s not enough time in the day to behave irresponsible, to pick up a guitar and play. Life’s too short for Girth Control. There’s not enough time in the day, and if you hold the beer bong to your ear, you can almost hear ‘em say…
2.
Should we write a song about beer? Should we write a song about how work sucks? I think we might be onto something here. Should we write a song where we say the word “fuck”? I tried to write a political song but I just don’t know if I’m smart enough. I can’t pretend I know everything, I just wanna have some fun. And like our two-party system, it felt like such a sham. I tried to write a political song but it’s just not who I am. I tried to write a break-up song but I’ve been with my girlfriend for years. We get so high and we laugh so hard, we only cry happy tears. I’m not saying things are perfect but we do what we can. I tried to write a break-up song but it’s just not who I am. Now that’s a fucking Girth Control song! I’m not a therapist, I’m not a scientist, I just play guitar and eat Cheez-Its. If there’s a message in these lyrics, it’s just stay stoked and do cool shit. I think we’ll write some songs about Jeff, then we’ll write a dumb song about punk rock. Maybe play a Green Day cover set, then we’ll tell you to pick it up! Now that’s a fucking Girth Control song! Oh shit, we forgot to mention the beer bong! (OK!) Now that’s a fucking Girth Control song!
3.
Brain Freeze 01:16
Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! Brain freeze! I got a little too excited! I got a little too excited! I got a little too excited, it’s been a long week. Chugged my frozen concoction, now my head is fucking tweaked. Had a freezepop, had a marg, a Slush Puppy in the park. Italian ice would be nice, except my fucking head’s killing me! Brain freeze coming down like karmic retribution. My medulla oblongata is in need of a solution. This frozen hell, this icy nightmare is exactly what I get for taking more than my fair share. Brain freeze! I drank my marg too fast. Brain freeze! It knocked me on my ass. Brain freeze! I hope it doesn’t last. Brain freeze! Ah, fuck! I got a little too excited! I got a little too excited! I got a little too excited! (You gotta lick the roof of your mouth, man) I got a little too excited! Brain freeze!
4.
Passin' Out 02:54
I’m passin’ out, I’m passin’ out. Too much responsibility, I just wanna lie down on the couch. This bad boy is fully reclined, why would I leave the house? Going to Little Caesars and I’m going off. I got a deep dish Hot-n-Ready, Italian cheesy bread with Crazy Sauce (sauce!). Stuffed my face and smoked a bowl, passed out at 5 and missed your show. Sorry if I bummed you out but I was busy passin’ out. Sometimes life’s so good, you just wanna pause it. Sometimes being awake is total dogshit. I’m passin’ out, I’m passin’ out. Too much responsibility, I just wanna lie down on the couch. This bad boy is so comfortable, I’m never going out. I’ve been working 40 hours and I’ve had enough. So I called my boss and said with a cough, “man, I could sure use the afternoon off!” Now I’m free, what’s on TV? A Seinfeld block from noon to 3. I’ve seen this one a thousand times, so maybe I’ll just rest my eyes. Sometimes life’s so good, you just wanna pause it. Sometimes being awake is total dogshit. I was gonna fix the bathroom sink but in my back there lies a kink. So now I sink into the couch. Pizza sauce surrounds my mouth. I nap, nap, nap upon the floor. Nap, nap, nap forever more. Hey, uh… babe? Could you buy me some beer when you go to the store? I’m passin’ out, I’m passin’ out. I’ll take the trash out later man, I just wanna lie down on the couch. This Cheeseboy is so comfortable, I’m down for the count. I’m passin’ out.
5.
We’re going out, you kids have fun. (Later, mom and dad!) Don’t get in trouble while we’re gone. (Why do you always say that? Why do you always say that?) You know we’re fine young citizens, across the board B averages, but you really shoulda thought to lock the liquor cabinet. I’m wrecked on triple sec again. Let’s crank “Let’s Face It” on my parents’ stereo and skank through the kitchen. We’re wrecked on triple sec and grenadine again, mixing Pepsi and Kahlua with my stupid fuckin’ friends! Get up, son, it’s time for school. (Five more minutes) What time did you guys stay up til? (Don’t know what you’re saying, what are you implying?) You know we’re fine young citizens, across the board C averages, but you really shoulda thought to lock the liquor cabinet. I’m wrecked on triple sec again. Let’s crank “Life Won’t Wait” on my parents’ stereo and skank through the kitchen. We’re bombed on mom’s vanilla extract once again, mixing Mountain Dew and boxed wine with my stupid fuckin’ friends! Are those footprints on the frozen pool? Why’s the litter box soggy and full? Why are there Dutch guts in the trash? Why is my foot stuck in your ass? I’m wrecked on triple sec again. Let’s crank Less Than Jake on my parents’ stereo and skank through the kitchen. We’re wrecked on triple sec and grenadine again, mixing up some stupid drinks with my stupid fuckin’ friends!
6.
Work Shirts 01:35
Work shirts! All I ever seem to wear is work shirts! Fold my laundry, all it is is work shirts! I don’t know who I am anymore. Get home after work and I’m so tired and defeated. Get high enough I can pretend that life has got a meaning. Sit around in pajamas watching TV for six hours or so. I never leave the house so I’m never making laundry. Might as well bring all my cool band shirts to the Salvation Army. Got too fat to fit into all my favorite jeans anyway. (Hey! Hey!) My Chuck Taylors gather dust, it’s just boots to house slippers. Hey babe, do you think you can pass me the clicker? I gotta turn the subtitles on to hear over my chewing. Work shirts! Open my drawers, all it is is work shirts! All I ever seem to wear is work shirts! Guess I’m not as cool as I was before.
7.
8.
9.
Ice is Food 00:15
Ice! Is! Food! All ice should be this good! (This message brought to by the International Association for Packaged Ice)
10.
Every day is like a losing battle to not eat pizza. Every day I get a little fatter or try to lose some weight. I really didn’t think that I had it in me to be so boring. Guess everyone likes being comfortable more than they can anticipate. I’m afraid that everybody knows… I’m so old and boring, all I think about is food and taking naps, half a six pack puts me in a good mood. I’m so old and boring, all I think about is food. Other people’s vices are so romantic, but I am just a fat and lazy dude.
11.
I need a neverending coffee to get me through the day. Yeah, a neverending coffee. My hangover won’t go away. An old man handed me a bottle and said may you never thirst but now I wonder if that 40 was a blessing or a curse. I need a neverending coffee to get me through the day. The malt liquor tasted so magical, my hangover won’t go away. Never end, never end, never end! I need a neverending coffee, I don’t care if it’s iced or hot. Make that grande a gigante, triple up that double shot. Now I hate to sound ungrateful, I’ve never been so lucky before, if I could beg the gods of O-E-lympus for just one thing more: I need a neverending coffee to get me through the day. Yeah, a neverending coffee. Please make this go away. Variety’s the spice of life. A different beverage would be nice. A 40 ounce cold brew on ice, a mocha latte would suffice. Give me all you got cuz I’m back to malt liquor tonight. 1-2-3-coffee!
12.
It’s OK to wear shorts (if you wanna) and it’s OK to watch sports (if you wanna) and if you wanna be dorks of any sort, well that’s quite alright with me! Why do we take ourselves so seriously? Set down the rules to be cool and sweat through our skinny jeans. What am I supposed to do when it’s 85 degrees? I’m gonna feel that cool, cool breeze on my knees. Why do we take ourselves so seriously? I got cargo pockets for everything I need. What am I supposed to do, man? My grandma got me these. I’m gonna feel that cool, cool breeze on my knees.
13.
Boss Man 01:28
Gonna sneak off man, that’s my goal. Gonna sneak off so I can rip this bowl. Can’t go back in now, I’m too stoned. Boss man, boss man, leave me alone! (Hey, come over here. Now listen: I’m not paying you to do whatever it is you’re doing in there. I’m onto you. I’m onto you, young man. I’ve seen how long your bathroom breaks are. I’ve been keeping track on a spreadsheet, and you know I can’t prove it yet, but you’re gonna slip up one of these days. I know you’re gonna slip up.) No way! Finally come back, yeah everyone stares. Leaving early on a Friday man, I don’t care. Gonna sneak off and play this game on my phone. Boss man, boss man, leave me alone! Grab my check, flip the bird and get in the van. Going on a tour with my shitty band. Gonna tell Verizon disconnect my phone. Boss man, boss man, leave me alone!
14.
My beer bong’s in disrepair. I know I’ve heard that life’s not fair but I’ve never seen the hard side ‘til now. My beer bong’s in disrepair. I’m trying not to care but how can I party when it’s all I can think about? Pray for me, I’m gonna need it. I’m gonna buy some bleach and clean it out. Now all doubt is gone. I’m back with my repaired beer bong! I’m not a millionaire, but I really don’t care because I’ve got more than money could ever buy.
15.
Someday soon we’ll see the light of day, get fucked up and watch the sun set from a beachfront bar a thousand miles away. Somewhere there’s a stage where all our favorite bands will play and we’ll sing along to every song, beer every bong cuz there’s no time left to waste. Guess I’ll see ya when I see ya. Someday we’ll be on the mend. We’ll stay up and watch the sun rise, wishing that the night would never end. Somewhere there’s a basement and a keg and all our favorite friends and we’ll sing along to every song, beer every bong cuz there’s no time left to waste. Guess I’ll see ya when I see ya. Don’t know where, don’t know when, see ya then, see ya there.
16.
I think I fucked around too much back then but if I had the chance I’d probably do it all again. I coulda been a romantic, a real Don Juan but I spent too much time with my face in a bong, laughing with my friends til we passed out covered in Cheetos. I could have focused on my studies, got a better degree but that kind of success just wasn’t for me. I smoked doobs and skipped class at my local community college, and with my current knowledge… I think I fucked around too much back then but if I had the chance I’d probably do it all again. I’ve been waiting all my life, hoped by now I’d get it right, guess I’ll never find a better way.
17.
Doritos! in my taco shell. Doritos! on my pizza crust. Doritos! in my favorite beer. Is that asking too much? Party size just ain't enough, I'd huff a trash bag of that stuff. Greasy handprints on the walls, orange footprints down the halls. And on the seventh day god invented Frito-Lay. He said, "let there be joy across the land!" And the people rejoiced and declared in one voice, “now all we need is a sweet ska punk band. The raddest band!” It's a Dorito covered world! Dorito colored sky! It's a Dorito-covered world and it's good to be alive! I got that need for Nacho Cheese, I got that cheesy corn chip lust. Dig both arms in plastic bags, coat my hands in orange dust. Doritos! in my coffee cup. Doritos! on my guitar strings. Doritos! in a pepper mill so I can put Doritos on anything. And on the seventh day, god invented Frito-Lay because on the sixth, he grew weed across the land. Now all humanity's the dream of a deity, still stoned with his hand stuck in the bag. It's in the bag! Yellow dye number 5. It’s good to be alive! Milk, cheese cultures, salt, enzymes. It’s good to be alive! The strongest shape has just three sides. It’s good to be alive! The pyramids, a slice of pie. It's good to be, it's great to be alive!
18.
Well, you can waste my money, you can waste my time but I won't stand by if you toss that slice. Waste my breath, you can waste my life but there's just one thing that I can't abide. No, I won't tolerate a waste of pizza! I try hard to be a nice guy. You know I don't whine when the brick oven of life cranks to 800 degrees. Like sauce, crust and cheese, I can take the heat but don't drop that piece in the trash or you'll see a different side of me. Oh no! You won’t see me cry over day-old fries, jalapeño poppers or mac and cheese bites. I draw a line in the Parmesan, it’s just not right. Treating pizza that way should be a crime! No, I won’t tolerate a waste of pizza! It happened suddenly: I turned my back and he ditched half a 12-cut cheese. This shit is not funny. There's kids in Tennessee who've never even seen mozzarella cheese. Waste my money, you can waste my time but I won't stand by if you toss that slice. If you wanna know why I just can't unwind, it's cuz you won't stop throwing out my pies. No, I won't tolerate, I don't appreciate, no, I won't tolerate a waste of pizza!

19.
Nobody asked for this. Nobody clapped. You're gonna do one more and I'm gonna snap. It's 2 goddamn 30 in this dingy fuckin' bar. I wanna go to sleep. Who do you think you are? Nobody asked for this! Nobody asked for this! Nobody asked for this, I wanna go home. Your set should've ended like three songs ago. Now you’re playing fuckin' encores like you're Motley fuckin' Crue. Your time's up, my friend - I'm sorry but it's true. Go home!
20.
I don’t work fast, I won’t kiss ass, I take no pride in being working class (oi oi oi). You get what you pay for! My bathroom breaks last as long as they last. I’m not afraid to check my phone or eat a snack. You get what you pay for! I won’t be in Saturday. The weekend is mine, you won’t take it away. How bad do you want me to feel? Five days a week is already a shitty deal!
21.
I thought we were getting blitzed but go ahead and bring the kids. This sure is a pretty shitty party. I still love my old friends but a lot of things have changed since then. Some of us have mortgages and some of us have bands. We still get a beer a couple times a year but when I get that invite in the mail, my hands tremble in fear. No, not again! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re the same old dude and it’s always rad hanging out with you but when did you get to be so repulsively responsible? I still love my old friends but a lot of things have changed since then. Some of us shred flying V’s and some of us have kids. We still bong a beer once or twice a year but when your wife sends that e-invite, I avert my eyes in fear. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know we’re all watching carbs and cholesterol but do we really have to eat all these fucking vegetables? I could use a beer or two but I guess kombucha will have to do. This sure is a pretty shitty party. I’m always immature and underdressed, and all your grown-up friends ain’t too impressed. Even though I’m here under duress, I’m proud of you man, I’ll confess. I could use a marg or two but I guess Sunny D will have to do. This sure is a pretty shitty party.
22.
T.P.F. 02:02
On top of the world until the ride home. All night long I can’t believe my luck. Then reality sets in, here comes work at 6 A.M. Guess tomorrow’s probably fucked. Last night the show was so much fun, I passed out feeling inspired. This morning my head’s killing me and I just feel fucking tired. Is it worth it in the end? Man, who really knows? We’re just dudes stuck in our 30s, still playing punk rock shows. We’re just adults with the audacity to try to make the most of it, to try and work toward something that most people think is dumb bullshit, to try and feel accomplishment without making any money, to try and write a decent song that’s cool and good and funny. Will we make something great? Man, who can really say? We’re just dudes stuck in our 30s trying to make it through the day.
23.
Hey hey, life’s a breakfast buffet, fill your plate back up. Hey hey, these are bottomless mimosas, you better fill your cup. Would you stay at a hotel with no breakfast? Fuck no! It’s like throwing money in the trash. Could you find a better brunch place? Hell yes! But where’s the fun in that? Hey hey, life’s a breakfast buffet, go ahead and get dessert. Hey hey, life’s a breakfast buffet, you better get your money’s worth. Oh yeah! Can I really eat 27 pancakes? Fuck no! But I’m sure gonna try. Do I really need André in my OJ? Hell yes! Is there any other kind? Hey hey, what’s that in the sausage? Well, fuck it - fill your plate back up. Hey hey, life’s a breakfast buffet, you can’t eat too much. Pile it up! Pile it up! Oh yeah!
24.
It’s been two weeks since the party but I’m just cleaning up. The empties are all moldy, I don’t give a fuck. They say I got no passion but they don’t see me here, getting stupid with my friends and spilling tons of beer. I’ll miss you most of all when I’m gone. This is a love letter to my basement. This is a song for all my friends. When we all have kids and mortgages, it’ll never be the same again. It’s been two weeks since the party. I’m just sobering up. If I believe in anything, I believe in fun. I’d be bummed if I wasn’t so stoked. I’m so grateful I could cry. I used to wonder why I’m alive but now I totally know why. I’ll miss you most of all. I’ll miss these concrete walls. I’ll miss this disgusting moldy carpet where all our beers would fall. I’d miss my ringing ears if they’d ever go away. I’ll be damned if I hold these thoughts in and miss my chance to say…I love you guys.
25.
Got the day off and I’ve been taking bong rips all morning. Should clean out the shed but that just sounds so boring. I wanna cut loose, I wanna get live, I never wanna go back to 9 to 5! I never wanna go back to 9 to 5! Can I retire before I turn 35? Laughin’ and rockin’ out, is there really any more that life’s about? Bong rips and rock ‘n’ roll, partying with my friends in Girth Control. Let’s go! Got the night off so I’m calling up some friends. We’re staying up late, writing songs and getting stoned again, hoo hoo! I wanna cut loose, I wanna get live, I wanna have fun while I’m alive! I wanna have fun while I’m alive! I might even pass out on the couch tonight! Laughin’ and rockin’ out, is there really any more that life’s about? Bong rips and rock ‘n’ roll, partying with my friends in Girth Control. You’ve been partying with your friends in Girth Control!

credits

released March 1, 2024

Bob: bass + lead vox
Jay: guitar + keys + lead vox
Mark: drums + percussion + lead vox

Saxophones on Wrecked on Triple Sec, Neverending Coffee, Beer Every Bong and Waste of Pizza by Chris Jordan and Matt Elia

Mastered by Carl Saff
Artwork by Phil Pascuzzo

Insidious Industries-005

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Girth Control Albany, New York

Girth Control poses the eternal question: what got you stoked in the first place? The upstate NY ska/punk trio wants you to remember the days of circle pits and skateboards, basement bands and beer bongs, the beauty of punk rock in all its permutations. It’s the sound of three punk rock lifers fueled by the infectious joy of making dumb music with good friends, still stoked after all these years. ... more

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